Sunday, March 31, 2013

And I am done.

Easter was here, my parents came over as planned. We had dinner, I was on edge we played Cards against Humanity.
I dropped the bomb as I cut the dessert. It wasn't easy, I said that I waited to the end of the evening so we could have one more holiday before I screwed everything up. My wife  sitting between my mother and I, my sister ready to jump the table wolverine style if needed. The air got heavy, my voice was calm although wavering with emotion.
I mentioned how I struggled with this fore years. The pain, depression, the alcoholism, the suicide attempts and multiple therapists that I have talked to. I poured out the heart's wound.
She got silent, stopped eating her cheesecake said " I don't know what to say" My response, "please don't say anything now then, give it some time." I looked at her and said, " I know you have thought I was gay for years now, this shouldn't really be a huge shock"She felt ganged up on, everyone at the table knew but her.
She said she lost her appetite, and said they needed to go. She left the table cried in the bathroom. I asked her if she needed a hug, we hugged. she cried I teared up she said " you will always be my son"
I could only think, I  don't think you understand how this thing works.... But let it go.
They packed up and left
I felt empty, shaking with fear, a tidal wave of emotion pounded into me with each heart beat. Nausea hit, I needed a cigarette. This one time I obliged, I grabbed a clove, hands trembling I took a slow drag and paced in the front yard a bit.
Dad surely knows and any minute I will get that angry phone call.  But it didn't come yet.  Nate told me that dad says he is going to talk me out of it. I don't think he understands the situation either.
Right now, the ball is in their court. I cannot force them to understand, so I wait for their next move. In the meantime I have been occuping my time with random crying outbursts. The situation itself was carthartic, however the love shown to me from my chosen family has left me a huddled weeping ball on my bed.
Tonight, where ever you are find that person that you love unconditionally and let them know it.

2 comments:

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  2. Congratulations! That was a tough thing to do. I'm hoping your parents will come around. In the meantime, stay strong.

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